Frequently
Asked Questions
Are
our problems serious enough to seek help?
There are
a variety of reasons why couples seek help with their relationship,
not always because they are in a state of high conflict or distress.
Pre-marital
counseling is designed to enhance closeness and understanding,
as well as to identify potential conflict areas before they arise.
In this case, the partners are still in a phase in which they
are continuing to get to know each other while planning for a
shared tomorrow. They may be unsure what questions to ask or are
reluctant to address important issues so as not to "rock
the boat."
Established
relationships with a strong foundation and commitment can often
benefit from couples therapy in improving communication and learning
to move through non-critical conflicts with greater efficiency
and compassion, or to manage particularly challenging life circumstances
which may be taxing the couples' psychological resources, even
though they contend with most daily problems well.
Highly conflicted
couples often seek help because they are at their wits end, have
become highly reactive to one another, and are unable to address
problem areas without emotional meltdowns. Even though each individual
may function extremely well in other arenas, defenses come into
play easily and conflict resolution becomes nearly impossible.
Couples therapy provides a safer environment with increased structure
and control to help these couples get back on track.
Sadly, some
relationships have come to the point of "irreconcilable differences."
When one or both partners have decided to end a relationship,
the process of separating can be grueling and disheartening for
each. When this decision is irretrievable, there remain important
tasks for the two individuals to address, especially when considering
questions of children and finances, and how to maintain at least
a minimum of respect and compassion for one another despite having
sustained very deep hurts. Whether seeking help as a couple or
individually, support and education during and after the separation
process can make a huge difference in how each person copes, whether
that be due to feeling lost and alone, feeling anger or guilt,
or just plain sad. Many individuals are confused about how a once
loving relationship had gone so wrong, and wish to avoid repeating
mistakes in future relationships.
Is
this just a phase we're going through or do we really need help?
All relationships
go through difficult stages which carry with them increased tension
and stress. Each partner's ability to tolerate that stress and
work productively within these areas will vary. When your stress
level becomes intolerable or you have reached an impasse with
your partner, the time has come to consider seeking help.
Sometimes
problems are ignored in the hope that they will simply go away,
but often couples find that arguments will "recycle,"
meaning that they have the same argument over and over again.
Difficulties are not resolved in spite of repeated attempts to
do so. When these problems persist or can't be resolved in a way
that is acceptable to both partners, go for help. Naturally, conflicts
will be easier to resolve when they are small and there are still
positive feelings of mutual regard and affection in the relationship.
We are capable,
intelligent people. Why can't we manage our own problems?
There are
those who feel that seeking professional help is a sign of weakness
or a personal failure. In most cases, nothing could be further
from the truth. The emotional upheaval which occurs during conflict
can override logic and reason (see article on Conflict and Anxiety).
Sometimes a neutral and objective third party is needed to mediate
conflict or to help clarify what the issue means to each partner.
We're fighting
a lot and can't agree on anything.
Continuous
or "recycled" fighting is often the result of either
having trouble identifying the underlying unresolved issues in
a relationship or using methods during disputes which are more
harmful than productive. In these circumstances, both partners
may feel misunderstood and rather hopeless. When fighting, couples
often go around in circles, with unresolved conflicts obscuring
the original cause of their deeper feelings and concerns. This
becomes more critical when fighting results in ongoing resentment
and distrust of the other person's fighting style. The aim of
couples therapy is to define and clarify important issues, with
the assumption that partners will not agree on all aspects of
all issues. Careful consideration of fighting "tactics"
can also help break stalemates when they occur. Therapy may enable
them to identify the most contentious issues, consider possible
solutions and start implementing those that fit their situation.
We've been
this way for years. What good will couples therapy do?
Over time,
couples tend to develop patterns for handling conflicts, and may
not even realize how these patterns have become themselves part
of the conflict. Some patterns (fighting styles) actually increase
tension instead of reducing it. When a need for change is recognized
and makes sense to a person, therapy can provide the structure,
support and clarity to realize those changes. Therapy provides
perspective that is not always obvious to the couple.
How
long does couples therapy usually last?
In
couples therapy, clients have the right to determine the length
of treatment; based on the desired goals, time and financial resources
available, and the personal willingness to invest in this process.
Some couples are able to address their concerns and develop sustaining
skills within a relatively brief period of time, while other couples
choose to extend their work over longer periods.
An
important question is “How will I know when I have succeeded in
getting what I came for?” Identifying therapeutic goals for each
partner and for the partnership as a whole is one of the initial
tasks in therapy, and will have a profound effect on the length
of time required to meet your objectives. Your therapist will
help you identify and define personal goals using the language
and developmental model employed in therapy. You may be able to
formulate some preliminary personal goals after reading the articles
in “Papers.”
Many
individuals prefer a clear cut idea of the investment they are
making, and for these individuals, setting a framework for length
of therapy can be useful. A reasonable preliminary outline might
be to set 8-10 sessions, with the understanding that progress
toward goal attainment would be assessed in the latter sessions,
with the option of extending the agreement or terminating.
Can I benefit from therapy if my partner refuses to attend?
Yes,
the issues you face concerning your relationship will essentially
be the same whether your partner participates or not. Attending
individually can afford the development of awareness and understanding
about each partner’s role or contribution to the problems at hand,
the formulation of personal goals and the opportunity to practice
developing skills away from your partner.
Some
elements of your relationship which cannot be addressed without
your partner present include managing reactions while in close
contact (particularly when in conflict with your partner) and
developing mutually satisfying interactions. It is not uncommon,
however, for a reluctant partner to join therapy a short time
after the initiation of individual work.
How
do I decide whether to work individually, in private couples therapy,
or in a group or seminar setting?
To some extent, this is a personal preference.
When both partners are willing and committed to working on their
relationship, being seen together has many advantages, since what
happens in interactions between the two intimate partners may
not occur in any other relationship they have. Of course, if one
partner is unwilling to participate, individual therapy or attending
a seminar by oneself becomes the most logical choice.
When both partners are available, there are trade
offs in deciding whether to seek private consultations or pursue
learning in a group context. The advantages of groups, classes,
or seminars include cost effectiveness, in addition to having
the opportunity to learn from other couples who may be experiencing
similar difficulties. It is often true that we can see clearly
within others what we have trouble seeing in ourselves.
Many couples prefer private therapy sessions,
which offers the highest level of confidentiality and safety.
Further, private couples sessions are focused solely on the concerns
of the couple, and offer a more intense focus on the particular
goals of that couple.
My insurance company says they won’t cover marriage counseling;
is this always true?
Most
insurance companies have a standard policy which disqualifies
treatment for problems not related to a diagnosable mental or
emotional disorder. When at least one person in a relationship
is experiencing diagnosable symptoms, such as depression, anxiety,
or problems adjusting to life stressors, their condition is usually
covered under outpatient mental health benefits. “Marriage counseling”
is not a diagnosis, it is a procedure (a point many insurance
companies fail to comprehend). When working with a couple’s relationship
to remedy distress and the symptoms of distress caused by problems
in the relationship, there is a legitimate claim for coverage
of services. Insurance companies generally will not cover services
in which a diagnosis is not provided.
Does couples therapy always try to keep two people
together, no matter their circumstances?
No, the decision to continue in a relationship or end a relationship
is rightfully in the hands of the individuals involved. Either
way, difficult times may be ahead, and it is the purpose of couples
therapy to assist individuals in whatever choice they make, including
helping individuals come to terms with what is often one of the
most difficult decisions a person will face. The position of the
Couples Clinic is that it is presumptuous to assume that there
is a “correct” course of action for another person.
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