Philosophy
of the Couples Clinic
The philosophy of the Couples Clinic and couples relationships
is based on the pioneering work of Drs. Ellyn Bader and Peter
Pearson, co-founders of the Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California.
Drs. Bader and Pearson have articulated a developmental perspective
on couples relationships, which borrows from the early childhood
development theory of Margaret Mahler. Their model incorporates
the view that couples relationships evolve through a series of
natural developmental stages, each of which parallel stages of
early childhood development. Each stage has its own developmental
tasks, the successful negotiation of which determines the quality
and style of attachment and interaction within the relationship.
Identifying
the stage each partner is currently operating within will give
clear direction to the types of challenges which must be faced
to move forward in the relationship. When partners are unable
to address the pertinent issues or take steps to resolve them,
they may find themselves “stuck,” unable to move beyond the problems
at hand.
Some
of the issues which we all face in establishing and maintaining
close, loving relationships include:
-
Basic
trust
-
Problems
in simultaneously maintaining autonomy and closeness
-
Managing
the naturally occurring anxiety which arises when two people
are in conflict
-
Difficulty maintaining commitments when angry, frustrated
or disappointed
This
is a model which seeks to understand human relationships as a
part of the drive toward psychological wholeness, rather than
taking a “pathological” view of individuals or their dealings
with others. As such, it is a perspective imbued with hope and
promise for partners seeking a mutually satisfying union. Within
our relationships, we have the opportunity for growth and self
understanding, as well as the potential for a mutually respectful
partnership which supports the continued evolution of each person.
To accomplish this, partners must develop their own psychological
skills and awareness, which can support their own desires and
aspirations, as well as their partner’s. Basic communication skills
are central to this, including the ability to identify and express
important aspects of oneself, as well as the ability to be receptive
and understanding when one’s partner is communicating about their
experiences and needs.
But as many couples have discovered in working on their relationships,
good communication skills are not enough to get through difficult
periods and conflicts. Often, partners must also learn to delay
gratification, tolerate anxiety and manage their own reactivity
when engaged in interactions about sensitive or emotionally charged
issues. Further, being able to step outside of oneself long enough
to develop the capacity for empathic attunement to one’s partner
is essential for nurturing respect and compassion in the relationship.
The
Importance of Commitment
Many
prospective clients ask early in the process how long they should
expect therapy to last. This is an important question, but one
which is difficult to estimate. Defining specific and workable
goals is an important challenge in the early phase of couples
therapy. However, personal therapy goals may change or expand
as partners learn more about themselves. Attending to the timing
and pacing of personal work in the therapy process is an important
consideration, and this is influenced by the nature of the problems
being faced.
In
the developmental perspective, the care and feeding of the relationship
is an ongoing process. As personal goals are met, skill levels
build, and understanding increases, the nature of the tasks remaining
will evolve accordingly. It is the goal of couples therapy to
assist in the formation of skills which will have sufficient strength
to be self sustaining. Partners are then more able to practice
what they’ve learned without having to seek outside help. Should
periods of increased tension and conflict arise, or if an issue
emerges which is inordinately difficult, the partners can later
return for further assistance.
It is not uncommon for persons to have powerful experiences in
therapy; just as it is natural to have periods of relative calmness
and contentment. It is sometimes surprising that the most meaningful
work couples do occurs when they enter a session without a clear-cut
plan, or may even question the need for a session on a particular
day when all seems to be going well. This is consistent with the
view of therapy that times of conflict and turmoil produce a high
drive to resolve conflict and return to homeostasis, while understanding
oneself on deeper levels often occurs in periods of relative calm,
openness, and security about oneself. The possibilities for self-discovery
are sometimes greatest when a client enters with no particular
focus or problem to address.
In
this view, short-term models of therapy aim at rapid symptom reduction,
and therefore require a narrow definition of human difficulties.
The methods used are usually limited to giving information, providing
medication, or emphasizing a behavioral change. While these approaches
have merit in many cases, the essence of psychotherapy lies in
self discovery and fulfillment beyond simply getting through the
current crisis. When you make a commitment to yourself and to
the process of psychotherapy, keep in mind that the absence of
crisis can be a doorway opening to self awareness.
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